About Sarah

I was a reasonably shy and sensitive child, I was also a very reactive child and I didn’t really know how to regulate my emotions. I was easily frustrated, quick to react, easily bought to tears and felt ashamed how this turned to anger. 

I’ve since realised my ADHD and lack of emotional regulation and sensitive nature, didn’t allow for me to control my reactions as I felt things strongly, good and bad.   

I tried to pretend I understood in school but I always came unstuck, as I hadn’t pieced the information together in a way my mind needed. This just lead to negative feelings and self talk that repeated how “stupid ” I was and how everyone else was so much better than me. 

I now realise, just needed to be taught in a way my brain understood, I needed the time to absorb it in a way that worked for me, not under pressured situations which caused my brain to shut down.    

I clearly remember one day in Year 7,  the class was sitting quietly listening to instructions from the teacher, when all of a sudden…everyone had their heads in their books writing away…..

I vividly remember slowly looking around the room at each and every class member, wondering what they were doing and how they even knew what to do… when I didn’t!

I jumped straight to the conclusion that I must be really “stupid” because I was so confused and  had absolutely NO idea what I was meant to be doing!

Upon understanding myself now, I now know my mind had just wandered. I’m an inattentive mind wanderer, who is easily distracted by sounds, physical irritations, noises, movement and my own spontaneous thoughts. I had just missed parts of information due to this, and most of the time we think we are listening and aren’t even aware that we have wondered off!

But this was not my belief at the time, and this was where my negative self-talk really set in strong, this negativity continued throughout my schooling, believing everyone was so much smarter than me and I was just born “stupid”.

So I just stopped trying, I figured if I didn’t try then I didn’t really fail and therefore a reason to not feel so inadequate in comparison to others.  

This negative self-belief lead me on a path of being a very self-destructive teenager, I had absolutely no care for myself or my future, I got kicked out of my private school and ended up in a public school half way through Yr 10.

No one watched what I was doing at this school and I slipped through the system. I did very impulsive things like RUN from the teacher when I got caught leaving the school grounds during school, never stopping to think of those consequences.

But I do remember one day in math class, I was being extremely disruptive and talking too much as usual (one way of hiding my inadequacies) so the teacher moved me to the front of the class on my own for the remainder of the year.

I actually got more work done in that four weeks than I did for the entire year, as the teacher helped explain things to me ‘one on one’ until I understood, and followed up on my progress.

I started to feel like maybe I wasn’t as “stupid” as I thought, and without the distractions and the fear of sitting next to people who would realise how “stupid” I was, I was able to just deal with my own brains cognitive hyperactivity without all the other distractions and negative self-talk.   

If it wasn’t for one particular teacher at School, who pulled me up and asked “Sarah, what do you want to do with your life” I wouldn’t be where I am today.

At the time I fobbed her off with a matter of fact answer of “I want to be a Chef” I didn’t really want to be a Chef, but that was the first thought that popped into mind and the quickest way to make her go away and leave me alone!

Well it wasn’t  quite that easy, she followed up and arranged for me to attend a “Trades Women on the Move” Course in Baking/Pastry cooking, which ignited a passion in me. I loved it, I got to use my hands and make things and I finally understood basic math because I could relate it to something which made sense to me.

I hate to think of the path I would have taken if it wasn’t for this one particular teacher and hope one day I can remember her name and thank her…..If only I could remember!

I left school and moved out of home at 17, I started my apprenticeship as a Baker/Pastry Cook, but I was still on a bit of a self-destructive path, until I found out I was pregnant at 18. (until my ADHD diagnosis, I would have sworn I took my contraceptive pill every day….clearly I didn’t!)

Fortunately this lead me to becoming super responsible mother, and my focus became my beautiful baby girl!

I was quite disorganised and for the first 2 years of her life my house wasn’t to the standard my mother raised me in, I felt embarrassed, ashamed and like a failure, but I was working full time, finishing my apprenticeship and had not learnt any organisational skills.

Managing everything for me was quite overwhelming, which was hard considering I was a perfectionist.   

I remember asking a close friend “how do you keep your house tidy”? Her response was “you put things away after yourself Sarah!” mmmm that was not something I was familiar with or felt came easily to me.

This skill came to me later when I learnt the importance of “Everything needing a home” and “Less is Best” this eased my overwhelm and calmed my scattered mind and made my life easier to manage.

I made a really big decision to leave the father of my beautiful children and  entered a relationship with a woman.

She also had two children, and for the next 17 years we raised our 4x children together. Another stage of my life where I can look back and reflect on the person I became and where my ADHD showed up for me in all those relationships. 

Having a large family, an acre of land and lots of animals created a lot of pressure due to so many responsibilities, I found myself becoming a control freak with my home and if it wasn’t in order, my stress levels would rise and I would easily snap with frustration.

Everything had to be in place or my mind would feel extremely scattered and the physical feeling of pressure building in my body lead to an inability to control my frustration and emotional outbursts.

I know that many people with ADHD struggle with organisation and my way to deal with it was to become over controlling and super organised.

I needed things to look in order to my eyes, so my brain could be in order, I needed everything to have a home so it could be easier to manage and tidy up.

But it was an impossible task to run a business, raise a large family and have my house look like a show home, but I ran myself into the ground trying and felt like a failure every step of the way.

I was easily frustrated and yelled at all my children and then felt immense guilt afterwards. I never took any down time for myself, and trying to manage everyone to get everything done on time completely overwhelmed me. But everyone wondered in amazement how I did it all…..well it may have seemed that way but inside I was sinking. 

The lack of downtime was also my own doing because every spare moment of time I was trying to fit something else in, my mind was always thinking of the next thing to do and I was never present or living in the moment.

My partner and I were obsessed with renovating and I think this was because it sparked passion in me and I needed that feeling of accomplishment that washing, cooking, cleaning and working didn’t provide me with.

I didn’t know how to relax unless I went to sleep, that was my only relaxation time. I could go and go like an energiser bunny and then I could crash and burn, my body and nervous system would bring me to a halt, and in those times of burnout my self-talk was awful.

I felt like a failure and would use negative self-talk strategies to pick myself up (not recommended) instead of acknowledging myself, or taking the time to feel the signs in my body and even look at what I had accomplished. 

I wanted to be a fun mum, a present mum,  a loving mum, and not a stressed out, frustrated neurotic mum, and I just couldn’t forgive myself for not being the person I wanted to be for my children and my family.

If only I had my time again with what I know now about the importance of self-care, self-acceptance of who I am and understanding my boundaries.

If I really understood how I worked as a person, I believe things would have been different. Implementing strategies for my ADHD would have helped not only me, but my entire family. 

Approaching the end of an era, after 23 years of active parenting, my journey was coming to a close, my kids were about to become fully fledged adults and I was not prepared to let them fly off into the world knowing me only as the stressed out and side tracked mother I had always been.

As I looked back and reflected on myself, who I was, how I was, and why I became the person and parent I did, I was not proud of myself and who I had become. So at 42 I left my partner of 17 years, I pulled my life apart and set out on a journey to “find me” which really ended up being a journey of Self-Love. 

I had always been on a mission to find the next “magic cure” the one thing that was going to turn me into the relaxed and chilled out person everyone else appeared to be, that person I had always dreamed of becoming. I just seemed to be different to others, intense and emotional, constantly trying to control everything around me and constantly looking for something.

I would try and resist the overwhelming pressure I felt and hold it all together, but my frustration and overwhelm presented with emotional outbursts, anger and frustration. Don’t get me wrong, I was also a very caring person, I could be fun and silly and I was a very open mother, but I was all over the place and unpredictable in the sense that something could shift my mood quickly and easily. 

I was always looking for the next project, the next thing to satisfy my creative and imaginative mind, I couldn’t sit still, I got bored easily and found mundane tasks a challenge. I was in Fight or Flight mode every day and often burnt out physically and emotionally, I felt overwhelmed by the constant drive that was relentlessly propelling me forward.

So I pulled the plug on the TV and spent 3 years listening, reading, learning, evaluating and dissecting myself and who I became into a million pieces in order to put myself back together.

I discovered things about my life that shaped how I was and why I handled my life and emotions in the way I did. Without self-awareness, I had spent my life trying to “get away” from me and my never-ending thoughts of self-doubt and self-loathing.

This is where I set out to learn more about meditation, as I had spent many years trying. I learnt to release and let go of things that no longer served me, and I finally learnt that self-love was not selfish.

I then went on to discover I had ADHD and embarked on that whole new journey which explained who I was and my entire life started to make sense. This gave me the healing required to move forward with my life and space to love and accept myself for who I was. That was that “magic cure’ I’d been searching for my entire life “self-love”.

I have finally taken the time to discover myself, who I am, how I work and what I deserve in my life! I also discovered that ‘pill’s don’t teach skills’ and for some people they can be a game changer, and for others the side effects are far too much.

But what I do know is understanding yourself and implementing strategies to help you manage your life is an important part of ADHD. I also learnt that ADHD shows up differently for everybody and it’s about learning who YOU are, we are all human and we are all unique and equal!   

Mindfulness and Meditation certainly were missing from my life, I couldn’t even stop for long enough to realise that was what I needed. I had to learn the power of the pause, even just briefly to help me make clearer decisions.

I had to practice forgiveness of all I hated within myself, and finally learn how to love all of me, even the parts I hated. This had to be done before I could start to change anything about who I was and I now no longer hate anything about me.

I reflected on my life and realised I was always finding something or someone to blame for the way I handled myself and I did this subconsciously as I couldn’t bare to admit I was any more of a failure than I already felt.

I discovered along my journey, that it is of no use looking to the past, playing the blame game, and making excuses for myself or my actions, as that only holds us in a “victim mentality.” The past keeps us attached to the negative which doesn’t allow us to move forward.

I had to choose upwards and onwards, leaving all those negative, self-sabotaging thoughts behind me, forgive myself and learn to believe in who I was at my core.

I needed to be my number one priority and it took over three entire years of my life to get here. I am now an ADHD coach specialising in Self-Love, I would have really appreciated one of me all those years ago and believe a Coach would have accelerated this process I have been through all on my own.

This is why I am following the path I’ve been guided towards, to help all of you!